SO I TRIED THIS BEER...

Do you like to drink beer? I do. I'm doing it right now, in fact.

It's not often I drink too much beer in a sitting - I like to drink beer for the sheer enjoyment of the beverage, which is a lot more than a lot of people my age can say. If I drink too much beer, then my taste buds stop working. I begin to experience the phenomenon that is extremely common among college-aged 20-somethings: "the act of drinking beer in order to get sloppy drunk" (also known, in other circles, as "the act of spending way too much money and consuming way too many calories in order to get sloppy drunk").

There are plenty of people I know plenty that prefer the most neutral tasting-beer they can find (or find a cheap skunky beer and obliterate it with citrus) so that they can achieve this state quickly, but not me.

I really like beer that holds my taste buds at gunpoint. I love beer that completely dumbfounds them...forces them to figure out exactly what it is they are tasting -- beer that makes my brain come up with interesting ways of describing the experience.

For instance, let me describe what my brain tends to conjure up when I drink this particular brew that I'm enjoying right now, which is definitely one of my favorites (and no, I'm not describing Old Chub, Anthony).

Imagine a chocolate bar - a cute chocolate bar, with arms and legs, running around in a small circle. He's got big eyes and lashes, and a big toothy grin.

Now imagine Satan himself (in whichever image and likeness you prefer) taking a blowtorch to the cute prancing chocolate bar, incinerating him into an unruly pile of brownish-black ash. The heat from the blowtorch was so intense that the poor fellow didn't even get a chance to melt. Just a devastating pile of complete ash.

Satan, who, by the way, owns an espresso machine, takes the crumbly pile of burnt cute chocolate and loads it into that cup-lookin' thing with the handle - you know, the part of the espresso machine that holds the espresso. He blends in a bit of his favorite brand of coffee (once again, you may choose the image and likeness of this brand), and creates a serious evil ugly sinful blend of coffee, which he manages to drink quickly (he loves caffinated beverages).

Some time later, Satan has to urinate. He does.

The resulting product is the Stone Brewing Company's SMOKED PORTER.

Somehow, the brewery got a hold of Satan's urine, I don't know how...my brain hasn't worked out those details yet.

It's bottled in a big 22 oz. bottle, with a winged gargoyle that looks like...a devil, coincidentally. Stone Brewing Company - who also brews such tremendous brews as Arrogant Bastard and Ruination IPA - is a fan of complex, unruly, dangerous beer.

Despite being described by me in such an unsavory way, this smoked porter is absolutely evil, in that good way. By "that good way," I'm talking about that wonderful giddy giggly feeling you get when your favorite sociopathic psychotic villain in a movie does something terrible.

If you (the person who is wiling away their time reading the unnecessary words of a person like me) are a fan of Guinness, or any big fat black beer that looks like coffee when poured into a glass, you must try this. If you are a fan of light beer, or beer with expensive-looking, funny TV advertisements, try it too - but you'd better sit your posterior down.

Stone Smoked Porter also goes great with a PB&J sandwich, according to the label on the bottle. I actually made myself one, to see if this was true - and sure enough, it is. You should make it a requirement to try this brew with a PB&J. It's...uhh...devilishly heavenly.

I'm not even Catholic, but I still feel like I need to go to confessional after drinking this beer. I have to hand it to a company that manages to create a beer that combines chocolatey-coffeeness-over-a-mesquite-fire with a malty finish AND puts the fear of God and the awareness of Satan into you.

And by the way, I'm not being paid to advertise for Stone Brewery nor do I get kickback from them for drooling over one of their brews on a blog. If only I could, though...

Til the next one...