SO I TRIED THIS BEER...

Do you like to drink beer? I do. I'm doing it right now, in fact.

It's not often I drink too much beer in a sitting - I like to drink beer for the sheer enjoyment of the beverage, which is a lot more than a lot of people my age can say. If I drink too much beer, then my taste buds stop working. I begin to experience the phenomenon that is extremely common among college-aged 20-somethings: "the act of drinking beer in order to get sloppy drunk" (also known, in other circles, as "the act of spending way too much money and consuming way too many calories in order to get sloppy drunk").

There are plenty of people I know plenty that prefer the most neutral tasting-beer they can find (or find a cheap skunky beer and obliterate it with citrus) so that they can achieve this state quickly, but not me.

I really like beer that holds my taste buds at gunpoint. I love beer that completely dumbfounds them...forces them to figure out exactly what it is they are tasting -- beer that makes my brain come up with interesting ways of describing the experience.

For instance, let me describe what my brain tends to conjure up when I drink this particular brew that I'm enjoying right now, which is definitely one of my favorites (and no, I'm not describing Old Chub, Anthony).

Imagine a chocolate bar - a cute chocolate bar, with arms and legs, running around in a small circle. He's got big eyes and lashes, and a big toothy grin.

Now imagine Satan himself (in whichever image and likeness you prefer) taking a blowtorch to the cute prancing chocolate bar, incinerating him into an unruly pile of brownish-black ash. The heat from the blowtorch was so intense that the poor fellow didn't even get a chance to melt. Just a devastating pile of complete ash.

Satan, who, by the way, owns an espresso machine, takes the crumbly pile of burnt cute chocolate and loads it into that cup-lookin' thing with the handle - you know, the part of the espresso machine that holds the espresso. He blends in a bit of his favorite brand of coffee (once again, you may choose the image and likeness of this brand), and creates a serious evil ugly sinful blend of coffee, which he manages to drink quickly (he loves caffinated beverages).

Some time later, Satan has to urinate. He does.

The resulting product is the Stone Brewing Company's SMOKED PORTER.

Somehow, the brewery got a hold of Satan's urine, I don't know how...my brain hasn't worked out those details yet.

It's bottled in a big 22 oz. bottle, with a winged gargoyle that looks like...a devil, coincidentally. Stone Brewing Company - who also brews such tremendous brews as Arrogant Bastard and Ruination IPA - is a fan of complex, unruly, dangerous beer.

Despite being described by me in such an unsavory way, this smoked porter is absolutely evil, in that good way. By "that good way," I'm talking about that wonderful giddy giggly feeling you get when your favorite sociopathic psychotic villain in a movie does something terrible.

If you (the person who is wiling away their time reading the unnecessary words of a person like me) are a fan of Guinness, or any big fat black beer that looks like coffee when poured into a glass, you must try this. If you are a fan of light beer, or beer with expensive-looking, funny TV advertisements, try it too - but you'd better sit your posterior down.

Stone Smoked Porter also goes great with a PB&J sandwich, according to the label on the bottle. I actually made myself one, to see if this was true - and sure enough, it is. You should make it a requirement to try this brew with a PB&J. It's...uhh...devilishly heavenly.

I'm not even Catholic, but I still feel like I need to go to confessional after drinking this beer. I have to hand it to a company that manages to create a beer that combines chocolatey-coffeeness-over-a-mesquite-fire with a malty finish AND puts the fear of God and the awareness of Satan into you.

And by the way, I'm not being paid to advertise for Stone Brewery nor do I get kickback from them for drooling over one of their brews on a blog. If only I could, though...

Til the next one...

Donations vehemently accepted.

Here's something to try if you're feeling rather bored of life.

The next time you're walking around at school or around town and you see some sort of group settled at a table - the school Drama Club, the Red Cross, the Kumquat Society, Future Mold Growers of America, or what have you - and they have these little homemade chocolate chip cookies wrapped in pink plastic wrap next to a sign that says "Donations Welcome"...walk up to them and take one or two of the stacks of cookies and walk off.

Seriously, has anyone ever done this before? I'll be honest. I haven't ever had the cajones to consider doing this. But, I mean, technically, these cookies are free. There's no price for them, and the cost? Oh, only your dignity, reputation, and good name...if the particular group knows who you are. Peanuts.

Most people are wimps like that. "I would feel terrible if I did something like that," you might be saying. Why would you feel terrible? Because those people at the table representing their Snail Appreciation Club would get angry at you? Or the World of Warcraft society would mess you up (they're all bark, you know)? Do you think somebody might stop you, mid-grab? Or follow you around all day? You don't really know what they're going to do, do you? That's because you've never done it before. It's completely illogical for you to feel terrible about it. So do it!

But just once. I'm not an advocate for mean-spirited behavior or anything. It's just something that might be fun to try. Be sure to let me know how you made out; your results, your earnings, your lacerations, your whatever.

But I digress. So yep, people are soft! They look at the sign - Donations Welcome - and their guilty conscience pipes up.

Come on. Just a buck. Or even those two quarters you were going to use to buy a soda. Okay, whatever assorted pennies and dimes are in your pants pocket. What, are they going to ask you for more money than you gave? They won't!

That would be a great thing to see. Some guilty guy throwing a quarter and two dimes into the donations jar and the lady sitting at the other end of table going, "umm...that handful looked a little light. Come on...cough it up! That was like the cost of five chocolate chips. Don't jack us!"

But I do agree that it would be kind of dumb to just walk up to just any group sitting at a table with baked goods and walk off with a handful of stuff.

You probably shouldn't take baked goods from:

1. Tables that have a sign reading DONATIONS ADVISED.
2. Tables that have a stuffed open-mouthed grizzly bear head instead of a donation jar.
3. Any club or organization with the slogan "fat free is the way to be" or mentions the virtues of imitation soy.

And this is a no brainer...do NOT perform this experiment with any organization with members who are blind. This is supposed to be fun, not something to risk going to hell over.

Just some stuff for you to think about.

'Til next time!